Buckle up, it's gonna be a bumpy episode. And a bumpy series. And a bumpy world that has allowed Donald Trump...you know, just allowed him.
I have only ever watched Celebrity Apprentice because
a) I was completely out things to do.
b) Hulu insisted it was something that existed.
c) It used to include the ever sass-tastic NeNe Leakes. (Her name is just as fun to type as it is to say and think about and think about some more and then think about one times too many realize it has ceased to have meaning.) (The amount of times it takes to think "NeNe Leakes" into oblivion: not that many.)
Presently, I find myself dangerously without things to do and susceptible to Hulu's suggestion. Alright! I'll watch Celebrity Apprentice! But I won't like it!
Last I checked, at least a couple episodes ago, the main thing I remember was Meatloaf being a blubbering wound of vulnerability. Like the role he played in Fight Club but he doesn't get to be in on the joke anymore? I pretty much blocked the rest out. Except that every person on the show seems to be competing in a unspoken side competition: Who can reinforce their "Brand" as a "Celebrity" the most brain-searingly? Let's see, if I pretended I had never heard of these people before what would I have gathered about them solely from this series?
- Latoya Jackson is a member of a kind of American Music Royalty and is soft-voiced and pointy-faced.
-Star Jones fancies herself a powerful lady who lunches and wears pants however tight and unforgiving she wishes.
-Country Star guy is super Americanny and Country Twang-y and level-headed and protective of his fans.
um, he's actually kind of okay.
-Mark McGrath was successfully media-trained into calming down for the most part. But, he's still Mark McGrath...so, basically f@#$ed.
-Li'l Jon made a career being a hype man which is essentially the highest incarnation of Guy-In-Sandwich-Board one can aspire to.
-And there were other people and whatever. snoozeville.
None of these people matter of course. The point of any Donald Trump vehicle is to remind everyone that Donald Trump is here, and his hair is here, and his money is here and he's just taking up space and feeling great about himself The American Way! None of the contestants could even dream of being annoying enough to hold a candle to how annoying Donald Trump is. He basically dares you to hate him with every fiber of being. (I will never forget when he bullied the cast into sort of supporting his presidential bid. Never forget!). I've realized one of the most annoying things about the way he acts on the show is that he's way too fluent in the concept of branding to even be a person anymore. When he chats with the contestants he always acknowledges one main talking point about them. Marlee Matlin is the pretty one. "Isn't she a beauty?" he'll ask the group and they'll all nod and smile in a hostage hush. "Isn't Meatloaf a nice, sensitive kind of guy? Man is he nice and sweet and sensitive!" "Isn't L'il Jon a cool guy?" "Star Jones is so elegant and so A Lawyer" and on and on. He speaks in tone deaf sound-bites. He's the boorish distant relative you would carefully strategize ways to avoid during the entire family reunion because he'll just say the most obvious thing and distill you down to something so insensitive and obvious that it lacks all traces of humanity, LOUDLY! And keep insisting you agree!
I can't watch the finale of Celebrity Apprentice.
I can accept this failure.
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