Equals a Miami?

Remember The Real Housewives of Miami?  Me neither!  (I also don't remember ever typing "me neither" before and it looks bizarre.)  Anyway, I'm watching a rerun of the finale right now and it's jogging my memory grapes a little.  For example, I remember that Lea Black doesn't give an eff.  I like her weird cackle-y voice.  I like that she tries on clothing in the middle of clothing stores over the clothing she's wearing.  I like how she constantly says things like "if they don't like it, screw 'em!"  because I tend to veer towards the opposite end of the confidence spectrum.

If you don't like this post, then to hell with you!  (cackle)

Also, I think Larsa might be the real-life Quinn Morgendorffer but I'm not sure.  All I have so far is:
1.  They both refer to themselves as "cute" and "cuter" than everyone else.
2.  They both suffer from high self-esteem.
3.  They both have impeccably arched brows and enjoy a nude lip.
do you see a resemblance?

[images via www.hauteliving.com, http://www.demeterclarc.com and www.theinsider.com]

street style

Dear Fashion,
Thank you for making the topknot bun a thing so this picture could happen

which reminds me so much of this

If I was better at finding things I would have found a picture of Felicity and Ben walking down the street.

that I briefly wondered if there was a space/time mix-up that was allowing a fictional show from ten years ago to be playing out on the streets of Manhattan.
Love,
Michelle
p.s. The thing that really gives it away, though, (other than being a picture of reality) is that Teresa Palmer is looking ahead with her chin tilted up a little.  Felicity would probably be shyly glancing to the side, smiling at a great thought she just had about how people are.

[images via http://www.imnotobsessed.com/ and http://www.fanpop.com]

a hankering for Celebrity Rehab can only be satisfied by mainlining Celebrity Rehab

A few days ago, I read Jamie-Lynn Sigler's cute essay about burning out on reality shows on HelloGiggles http://hellogiggles.com/reality-tv-have-i-reached-my-limit.  You probably know Sigler from The Sopranos but I like to think of her from her cameo on How I Met Your Mother playing a teacher by day, woo girl by night.  By the by, the title of that episode is "Woooo!" with four "o"s.  Someone got to choose that number of "o"s and have them be in the title of a sitcom episode forever.  Neat, right?
Anyway, Sigler's post made me think maybe I could use a break from "reality."  Sometimes even I get bored of catch phrases and schadenfreude.  Also, when all the Housewives speak at the exact same time, it creates a wild and irritating cacophony that rings in my ears.
On the other hand, Celebrity Rehab is back and I need to know why Bai Ling is on a roof in the promo!  (I thank The Fug Girls for conditioning me to care about her.)  I will always have a fondness for Dr. Drew  because of listening to Loveline in high school, but his role in the media has gotten...questionable?  For a second I thought I remembered him wedging himself into Britney Spears' breakdown but then I realized that was Dr. Phil.  But couldn't you almost imagine it was Dr. Drew?
If you are looking work through feelings of guilt about Celebrity Rehab or work towards quitting it, I support you and suggest you read EW's review http://popwatch.ew.com/2011/06/27/celebrity-rehab-season-premiere/.  But, I'm really not ready for that, so I'll be taking Bai Ling's On a Roof flavored goofballs all summer.

You know that new sound you're looking for?

It's not this.


Can't you just picture a sad waif packing her sad pink suitcase?  She won't be the next top model of America but you will hear about her again.  Soon.

Hey, it's "Free For All" by Nick Nolan, that song from the end of America's Next Top Model episodes.  I just noticed it playing faintly in the background of NY Ink.   It's quite popular on the reality circuit.  It's used to emphasize inspiring moments, the excitement of learning and growing.  It's like the elevator music equivalent of backpacking in Europe.

See if you notice it in something you're watching.

 Also see if you notice this http://www.slashfilm.com/lol-the-reoccurring-prop-newspaper/

my second glimpse into Whitney Port's psyche

(I don't use twitter so my take on tweets will probably sound stale and weird and off.  I mean, I'm about to type out a tweet I saw a picture of on Jezebel.  So...yeah.)

This strange tweet was tweeted by Whitney Port. You know, Whitney Port from The Hills and The City and Bein' Impossibly Tall and Skinny.  She had the power to gentrify entire neighborhoods just by walking through them.  True story.

I urge you to read this tweet of hers way too many times.
"In my world, today is Fat Free Friday!  Everything is fat free!  Not really, but that's the kind of mental state I'm in!" -(whitneyEVEport)
See, the thing is, first she declares that in her "world" there will be no eating of fat for the day.  That's all fine and good (not the best plan nutritionally, in my opinion, but to each his own).  But then she says it's not "really" Fat Free Friday after all.  But then she says she is in the "mental state" of it being Fat Free Friday.

So...did she eat fat or not?!?  I need to knowww!

(edit- Wil disagrees with how I interpreted the tweet.  He thinks Whitney meant she was pretending everything had no fat for the day.  To that I say, "oh" and walk away quietly and console myself by remembering that eating fat free is still a misguided, 90s goal.  Snackwells, anyone?)

That was my second glimpse into Whitney Port's psyche.  The first was when I read somewhere (probably also Jezebel) that she had never tasted pasta because the texture "irked" her.  Finding out that some one has never tasted something, especially something really common, is intriguing.  Like they've led some rarefied life in which something fragile like specific-food virginity can be preserved for decades.

you are what you cook?

"I now know exactly who you are through the food you prepare." -Rocco DiSpirito

I doubt Mr. DiSpirito meant anything super deep with this comment on Rocco's Dinner Party, but it got stuck in my head.  He said this to the contestants after sampling one of their dishes.  One dish.  Is that all it takes to not only understand someone's work, but understand the person?  To know them exactly?  I'm not even saying it's not, I just think it's interesting to think about.

The Challenge: Rivals

 - MTV always airs at least a couple army recruitment ads during these The Challenge shows.  It seems dangerous to pair them with this series, like some suggestible youth might start associating joining the military with extreme sports and fameballing.
- The opening moments seem like an Apocalypse Now reference, a disorienting haze of desperation, violence and shots from the jungle's perspective.  There are jagged, blinking snippets of old scenes featuring old beefs (ew, right?  Old beef could be a starting point for designing a challenge.  In an MTV production office right now, a spry intern might be saying "So...there are these vats of old beef, you with me so far?  And then we force them to...")
-I can't help but get the feeling that these Incident Flashbacks are supposed to feel like PTSD.  (PTSD is sexy, kids, Yvan eht Nioj)
-There are zooming noises and haunted house feeling voice-overs that trail off into excessive echoes like how cartoon ghosts speak.
- The Rivals font appears to have been sculpted out of ancient stones and then beaten to a pulp.  It looks like it needs crutches.  If cavemen could have designed fonts, this is the font the most emotionally disturbed caveman would have designed. 
- Laurel's bloodless personality frightens me.  She's one of those carved of wood women you might find in a Steinbeck novel, out-stoic-ing everyone for decades.
- Cara Maria, a carnival of hair color and accessories notes that she feels judged a lot.  Astute!
-  If you take away Sarah's tattoo sleeve and aggressively asymmetrical hair, she's basically Mandy Moore, no?  Her Incident Flashback is just her giving someone a pointed talking-to.
-Adam, originally from The Real World: Paris (8 (!) years ago), is in his thirties...just putting that out there.  He was on The Real World so long ago that his season was part of what I like to think of as "old world" Real world, from an age when cast members would harbor shy crushes on each other for weeks and have, like, conversations about ideas.  In Paris!  Imagine two characters chatting over a mug of hot chocolate and a baguette juxtaposed with the non-stop shrieking game of grab ass the show is now. 
-Evelyn seems like an anime character (I don't really know what I'm talking about with that).  She's got a kind of shy/coy smile and almost looks bookish, like she might have gone to science camp most summers and read a lot about Greek mythology as a kid but you just know she would and will tear your f#@#$%^& head off.
-The Most Awkward Shill Award  has always gone (and always will go) to The Smart Phone Shill.  The cast members must proclaim the long, complicated names and models of their phones before reading challenge announcements.  This has been distracting for years, but, of course, it's meant to be so it's also been successful for years.
-I can't think of anything more boring for you to read than an actual recap of the game portion of the show.  Let's say it was sufficiently entertaining. 
-On the van everything has a teen summer travel program vibe.  Laurel is journaling, maybe writing a letter home.  Ah, no, she's calculating strategies of destruction.
-Tyler: "If you feel that there's a bandwagon going on, you just jump right on and you go with it."  Right? (no.)
- Ain't no party like a fame whore party 'cause a fame whore party is a savage, nightmarish catastrophe. 
-The traditional first night binge drinking is capped off by the traditional drunken melee. Ty manically baits people and Adam dissociates when he's drunk and becomes a fightingbot.  It's kind of hilarious/depressing that Adam cannot help himself but get kicked off these shows.  When he says he was hoping to make it to the end, he doesn't mean to win the games, he means to win the battle against his own enormous need to self-destruct.  And even though he knows he isn't capable of not acting out, he still "hoped" he would be, not by actively changing his behavior, or even considering his behavior, just by idly hoping.  Isn't that the saddest? 
-I find it fascinating how the different characters react when fights break out.  Note who dives into the swirling torrent and involves themselves, who shies away, who tries to break it up.  Wonder about their pasts as evidenced by these reactions.

[Image via mtv.com]

Trying to figure out if Portlandia is good or not with Wil

We watched the first two episodes last night.  I kept almost wanting to turn it off but then sort of liking it and then sometimes liking it quite a bit but then not liking it at all again.  It's certainly creative, interesting, odd, somewhat memorable, and daring.  But is it funny?  I didn't laugh at all.  But I was amused.  It certainly seemed like something I would find funny. 

The song and subtle head nod number about Portland perpetuating the dream of the 90s was funny(.)(?)(I don't know)

 
Wil wants to give it at least another episode's chance.  I will oblige.   However, we agree that some of humor seems off because Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein seem distant from the characters they play, like they're making fun of them while being them instead of making fun of them by being them.   Or, like, they're making fun of caricatures.  But, I have a weird kind of distant respect for Armisen, and always want to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe he's making a kind of meta-comment on...
something?

-I liked the putting-birds-on-everything-is-art sketch. 
-I liked when the organic foodie stereotypes chatted with each other about Fred having pretty eyes.  And when Fred interrupted to state that he wanted to say the same thing as the person he interrupted.
-And when Steve Buscemi said he had been at the bookstore so long he had to use the restroom again.
-Aubrey Plaza!  See, okay, Aubrey Plaza does a distant deadpan thing.  That is her signature thing. But, it's a kind of lively deadpan, if that's even possible.  It's a charming deadpan.  There's more connection with the audience.  Maybe her eyes smile a bit even though her mouth doesn't.  Or maybe she seems like she just smiled or is just about to, even if you don't get to see it?  I don't know why I'm so fixated on smiling.  I'm just very (overly) interested in why things are or aren't funny and I think intimacy with the audience is at least part of it.  I know I was happy to see her pop up and kind of disappointed when she left.
I don't really like most of the jokes involving the Women and Women First bookstore (including that it's named Women and Women First...maybe that is kind of funny.  This show messes with my head so much.  Which way is up, which way is down?)   Anyway, I think Armisen's Joy Behar is much, much funnier than his bookstore lady.

Speaking of SNL, Stefon makes me laugh uncontrollably and I think it would be a great writing exercise to try to write a Stefon monologue because it has a nice, built-in structure but requires tons and tons of creativity.  More than I've had yet.  

Overall, I'd say Portlandia is no Mr. Show but it has moments. 

[image via stereogum.com]

How do I feel about Ice Loves Coco?

I adore it!

and I don't mean that in an ironic way or a post-ironic way or a hipster way or an anti-hipster way.

The TV version of warm milk

Did you know that CBS plays reruns of The Hills in the middle of the night every Saturday and that Lauren Conrad's gentle, square face soothes my middle of the night anxieties?

Lauren Conrad was anxious too, once, when that camera tried to eat her.

Technically, they play these The Hills episodes in the wee morning hours (around 2-4 am) on Sundays.  But, it feels like "the middle of the night" because it's dark and confusing and it hurts your blurry eyes to look at the screen at first (especially the dazzling brightness of The Hills).

I like the idea of someone else, maybe someone drunkover (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=drunkover) discovering this for the first time.  Maybe they would feel excited and think it was some kind of mistake.  A beautiful mistake!  They would watch an episode and when it ended, another would start.  In their heart of hearts they would dare to ask, could there be another?  And there would be!  Are they just going to play The Hills all damn day, this drunkover would wonder?  The answer is no.  They will only play five of them.  Don't be greedy.

Apparently CBS and MTV are sister corporations which is kind of adorable and makes me wish they could do dance numbers together (never were there such devoted sisters...).  Anyway, I guess that has something to do with CBS playing a canceled MTV reality show before dawn?  But mainly, I think they do it for all the drunkover girls with anxieties.

"Girl, you drank too much.  I forgive you though."

I think they used to play My So-Called Life during this same chunk of airtime.  They used to be my absolute favorite thing to forget about and be greeted by like a hug on the random Sunday morning when I couldn't sleep.
[images via www.thehollywoodgossip.com]

The Real Housefinale Orange County

Remember the Real Housewives Orange County finale that happened over a week ago?  Me, too!  
- Vicki's having an autumn themed party.  The concept of "Autumn" seems alluring and exotic.  Alexis dons a glowing orange shmata to celebrate Autumn, because in her world all the seasons are neon seasons.  Do the leaves change colors in Orange County?  Let's say they don't because then we can assume the leaves adorning Vicki's backyard soiree were hand painted lush reds, golds and browns by frightened playing cards with arms and legs.
-Tamra thinks she's having a bad hair day even though her hair looks exactly the same as it always does.  Maybe she's having stress-induced Hair Dysmorphic Disorder.  Or maybe we're all just utterly alone in our own desires for ourselves that no one else can really ever completely understand or care about.  Nah, it's probably the HDD.
-Alexis and Peggy are extremely defensive about being called competitive and extremely competitive about being the least competitive.  This strikes me as odd only because they actually love competition so much.  It's their favorite!  They're all about showiness and livin' the dream 24-7 (or whatever the kids are saying these days), right?  That's their thing!  If one housewife gets something another runs out to get the same thing but bedazzled and then another gets a bedazzled, cupcake scent-infused one.  But, I kind of get it.  It's cool to go to the ends of the earth to win but never cool to admit you were in the game becozzz, to be truly perfect, you can't have an icky flaw like an obsessive, neurotic need to be perfect.  Ahem.  So, Alexis and Pegs are stuck in this hideous, tail-eating loop of trying soooo hard and then trying to cover up any trace of how hard they tried.  So...yikes.
-Tamra's boyfriend, Ed Helms Smile, is Fonzie levels of cool all the time.  Every time Tamra approaches him, he seems to awaken from a brief standing nap and murmur, "'sup, baby? just keep it cooool, you got this...zzzzz..."
-Quinn!  When I first noticed a Rubenesque lady with a snow queen white fright wig on, I thought about making a joke about it being Quinn.  And then it was revealed that it is Quinn!  What happened to Quinn?
-Jeana's campaign to be Most Reviled Former OC Housewife is going swimmingly!
-Gretchen's dress fits her personality perfectly.  It's a demure, retro shape, in a color so loud you can almost hear it. The peplum asks, "who, me?" while the neon hue screams, "you better f#$%#$% believe it's me!"
-Everyone's makeup tells a story as well.
     -Tamra's heavy eye and lip say "Screw makeup rules about choosing one feature to play up.  None of my features will be denied."
     -Vicki's smokey eye and nude lip say "I love social rules!  I fit in!"
     -Peggy's smokey eye and nude lip say "I'm the Angelia Jolie one."
     -Gretchen's pink lip screams "I love being a girl" into a megaphone.
     -Alexis' pastel everything says "God created all the colors for me to put on my face."
-Who's right and who's wrong in any of these arguments?  These shows are so meta at this point, it's hard to view any of it as more than interpretations of staged events.  But still, Alexis and Jeana are wrong.
-Vicki's daughter is startled by the melee.  She was promised a "classy" party where she could continue her discussion of butt holes from before.
- Gretchen's education in psychology has proved nothing but dangerous (freshman psych rears its ugly head...).  Her assessment of Vicki's health emergency as a power play in the last episode seemed off and mean and burdened by an Alanis Morissette level comprehension of the word "ironic."  Now she chooses Tamra's post-drink throwing chill period as the perfect opportunity to confront her about some stuff, all group therapy style.  Tamra just stares at her, as we all do, intrigued, annoyed and exhausted all at the same time.
next time on The Real Housewives of Orange County...the two smaller Tamras each split into even smaller Tamras (all of them equally hot except one which has tiny eyes and enormous hands) and Alexis speaks in tongues at Banana Republic.

In case you're interested in what happened on The Real Housewives Orange County a really long time ago

Season 6, episode 6 "What a Difference a Year Makes" starts out with Vicki wanting the biggest boat for her family's boat outing.  (This pretty much sums up the essence of The Real Housewives franchise.  Every character on every episode of every season wants the MOST or BIGGEST or somethingIEST possible.  One of my favorite moments in the peripheral Housewives universe is this old VH1 special, My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding, in which Dina Manzo spends upwards of a million dollars on her wedding and says utterly amazing things like "you know, I just want it to be bigger than any cake any one has ever seen...in their life.")

Isn't it cute how Vicki thinks this time, this time! she's going to leave work at the office and just enjoy her family.  I'm rooting for her but I also believed them when they all swore there'd be no drama this time at the everything.  And of course, she starts right in picking on some guy for having the gall to be fishing.  Basically, Vicki is a person who is easily threatened.  She's threatened by new people and poor people and non-English speaking people and people who are flashily attractive.  But most of all, Vicki is threatened by leisure.  She only participates in leisure activities that require lots of money or feel exclusive because those things remind her of all the work she did to earn them.  But no matter what she's technically doing, she's either thinking about work or thinking about how she's trying not to think about work.  Trust.

oh, unless she's drunk. Then it's a f@#$%^& free for all.

Over in Tamraland, boyfriend Eddie (who I swear has the exact same grin as Ed Helms' Andy on The Office) arrives to pick her up to whisk her off to Spain.  They are both dressed like Dane Cook and there's a pink neck pillow in the mix because these women are nothing if not committed to their little girl obsession with pink.  And whooshing cut to Alexis hanging out with Gretchen and for some reason their faces are much more dressy than their outfits.  They both look really pretty in this scene maybe because their workout makeup is a bit more natural than the Garish Old French Whore look they favor for nights out.  Someone's dog whimpers and I can relate.  This scene is a snooze.


Back on the boat, Vicki is still trying to make her blended work-family/family-family happen.  Donn's wearing a captain's hat and everyone's giggling so maybe everything's gonna be okay?  Nope!  Unfortunately for everyone, Vicki can't stop saying "clients." 

Over at Gretchen and Slade's, Slade has gone full Jordan Catalano with his hairdo.  They're planning a vow-renewal ceremony for Gretchen's parents and Gretchen talks a lot really fast.  It's supposed to be funny because she's talking so fast and Slade is just trying to keep up.  Women!  Right? 

Okay, I totally drifted off for a few scenes and then Vicki bent down and spanked her assistant.  But it's okay, audience, because she did it out of love.  See, she loves her assistant and thinks of her as one of her kids and when she's with her real family talks endlessly about work.  Confusing!

There's a sign on the surprise Mustang gift car that says "Sorry, I'm supposed to be white."  Because if you are too dumb to notice the inadvertently racist connotations of your signs then they don't count.  "Thank god for Slade" Gretchen says, like it's a totally normal thing to say, like she isn't the first person in the entire world to think this much less say it. 

Next week on The Real Housewives Orange County...Vicki moves into her office and no one notices, Tamra splits into two smaller Tamras (each equally hot) and Alexis speaks in tongues at The Gap.

The Real Housewives New Joisey

I like how everyone on these shows takes themselves way too seriously and not seriously at all simultaneously.
I don't like how they avoid subtlety like it's poison.
I like Jacqueline's intense side pose intro.
I don't like Theresa's marble-centric decorating.
I like Kathy's family.
I don't like her folksy platitudes.
I do (sort of) like her when she's not trying to be memorable.
I don't like Joe Gorga's shirts (especially the bicep strangling lavender tee and the acid wash shoulder paneled number).
I like Caroline (she must get the best edit of anyone in the history of reality television).
I like Ashley's slouchy knit hat and pervasive sense of entitlement (just kidding, those things are horrible).
I don't like when people pretend to be caught singing in their laundry wings.
I like that Joe said that Melissa sounded like her voice "came outta the radio."  I might have paraphrased that.

Also, Melissa doesn't know the first thing about dealing with everyone's s@#$.  Just ask this guy

[Image from http://homestarrunner.com/]

If Liking Greg Grunberg is Wrong, Then I'm Wrong

 A lot of people give me guff about liking Felicity but what they don't know is that I loved Felicity.  I thought I would grow out of my fondness for it or that the show wouldn't stand the test of time but...no.

One of my favorite things about Felicity (besides everything) was Greg Grunberg, who played this similarly named, Sean Blumberg.  Greg's Sean was not always likable, in fact, he was often downright embarrassing.  I mean, cringe worthy.  Almost Michael Scott levels of cringe worthy but without the frustrated meanness and misused power.  Sean didn't even have enough power to abuse it.  He was this somewhat older, chubby guy hanging out with these WB-pretty college kids who kind of rolled their eyes at him.  And understandably so, because he was pretty annoying.  He was lazy, too honest, a loser to the world.  But he had this almost un-squelchable hope.  He was insecure but proud somehow.  Proud of his ridiculous dreams of hitting it big as an inventor.  An inventor!

Anyway, Grunberg was great on that show and I see hints of that greatness on Love Bites, too. His acting style is so natural, he seems like he might have stepped out of your living room straight into a show that was airing and just started hanging out in the show.  I like how his new character, Judd (a tattoo artist named Judd!  So 90s!), seems vulnerable but capable and positive.

I like Love Bites so far.  It feels like a dirtier Friends if Friends had been single-camera.  I mean that as a compliment, even though, maybe due to over-watching or time passing, Friends reruns seem sadly stale to me these days.  It didn't get as popular as it did on hairdos alone.  There was a streak of real humanity in that show and there is here too.  It falls into cliches sometimes but there are also great little touches.  I liked the pillow wall between Judd and his wife and when Kyle corrects his mother about his boyfriend being "cool."   Those moments felt really cute and relatable.  Even if you don't enjoy Love Bites or Grunberg yet, I suggest giving them another chance for enjoyment.  If Sean could melt Meghan's club kid Grinch heart, maybe Greg can melt yours.
[Photo by Chris Haston – © NBC Universal, Inc.]

Commercial over-analysis with Wil

Wil said he was "troubled" by this Wendy's commercial for their new berry themed salad which has as many carbohydrates as their Bacon Mushroom Melt.  But that's not what tingled his Wil Senses.
It was this:

"Hi, Wendy!"

This young woman is video chatting with a cartoon.  Not even an animated cartoon, a still image of a fast food chain mascot.  Wil just wants to know what kind of Cool World, Paula Abdul video, Mary Poppins universe this commercial is supposed to depict.
[screen shot from youtube.com]

Teevee is occasionally amused by things other than TV

I just got spam titled something like, Try On Pippa Middleton's Sexy Hair!  That leads my thoughts to some pretty graphic places, InStyle.com. 

The World According to Paris (is a confusing, rotting candyland)

Here are my scribbles and notes about the new Oxygen show The World According to Paris which follows an overgrown Veruca Salt as she struggles with former fame and current animal hoarding.  

- Paris Hilton is almost exactly my age (she was born one day after me) so I feel keenly apt to judge her.  My judgement is, we're too old for this s@#$!

- The intro sequence is SO MANY PICTURES OF PARIS SO QUICKLY!  MY HEAD IS A HURT.

- Paris narrates a little intro about being all growed up and rethinking her priorities.  Her voice is not the high-pitched Muppet Babies one she used to use, or the low, jaded-Vegas-smokey one she used to alternate with the high one.  It's a medium one now.  Maybe she has growed up?

Purple is pink for olds?
[Image via www.thehollywoodgossip.com]

 Nah.  She only uses the medium voice for the narration.  The rest of the time it alternates between Khloe Kardashian feeling romantic and Kathleen Turner.

- The hyper speed photo collage ends with a twinkly noise that might be glass shattering or sparkly things sparkling.  Maybe this represents the old version of Paris breaking or the new version of Paris shining.   Or the old Paris rising like a tarted up phoenix out of glimmer ashes.  You decide, lovlies!

-Remember when Paris used to be the cutesy kind of bitch?  Now she's just a bitch.  "Honey, you just pour a drink" she snaps at her assistant like a real-life Karen Walker when the assistant points out she's not a trained barkeep.

-We are introduced to Paris' ragtag group of frienemylushes.  "Let's club!" they roar and they go dance all around.  One of them is Brooke Mueller.  It becomes clear that Paris isn't actually using this vehicle to establish credibility.  Brooke looks sad and distant, with a raspy voice and the all too knowing eyes of "no-nonsense" Roxy from The Misfits (Jem, anyone?).  When she calls Paris "baby" she sounds like OJ Berman.

Paris Hilton = real life Holly Golightly = manic-pixie-cautionary tale.
[© 1961 Paramount – Image courtesy mptvimages.com]

-At one point Paris leaves a room in a pink towel, claiming she's going to get dressed and comes back still in the towel.  She simply cannot be trusted to put on clothes.

-At an art museum, Paris starts acting like Cher Horowitz (we're too old for this s@#$, baby).  She's wearing a beret and whining about how her hipster assistant (I mean friend!  I mean photographer employee!  I mean friemployee!) has dragged her to a "weird" art show.  Her boyfriend, a hardened looking creature who she repeatedly insists (to us and herself) is extremely trustworthy calls to accuse her of a bunch of stuff.  Paris pulls a Lucy's In Trouble gag frown and proceeds to have a loud fight with him in the quiet gallery.  (Why do people always stare at me when I cause scenes?!)  Don't take your private fightcall in the art gallery, baby.  Step outside?  Sigh.

Cy:  I'm gonna go back to Vegas tonight.
Paris: Nooooouuuuuhhhhhh.

-Paris seems almost likable during one those annoying between-the-commercial mini-scenes that make you think the show's back on but it's not.  She receives a miniature horse (!) from a secret admirer or something and seems genuinely delighted.  She proclaims she'd like to name the horse Lady Coco Chanel.  For once in the whole episode her comic timing is effective and her zany descent into full-grown rich lady eccentricity seems like something she's control of and in on the joke about.

-Paris says a lot things she doesn't seem to realize are completely heartbreaking.  She doesn't seem equipped to navigate the emotional complexities of life.  She has the bitterness of someone jaded but not the hard earned realizations.  In the final moments of the episode she addresses the baby voice but only in the most shallow, toddler way, noting that she always uses it to get what she wants.  She's worried it might not always work for her but seems just convinced enough that it will.

The Donna Martin Bad Hair Chronicles 2

I originally hoped that The Donna Martin Bad Hair Chronicles would be a regular feature inspired by my frequent SOAPnet viewings of Beverly Hills, 90210.  But the SOAPnet channel is no longer a channel (?) so I can no longer watch the series in its glorious entirety over and over on an endless loop.  (single tear).  However, inspiration is always just a casual Google images search away.  I give you, The Angela Chase Martin.

I just like how David Silver is always leaning.  Against stuff.  He leans great.

In other Donna Martin hair related Google searches, Wil found this:
http://wilkesbarre.citysearch.com/profile/8880108/kingston_pa/donna_martin_s_hair_designs.html
[Image via www.blingcheese.com]

Audrina Examined

[via sharetv.org]

I like to imagine I'm the only person in the entire world who has ever actually watched VH1's Audrina. Sure, other people may have had their televisions on and tuned to the correct channel while Audrina happened. But, I actually forced myself to watch, I mean really take in all that is Audrina and here's what I got out of it...

First off, the lovely Sara Bareilles tune "Uncharted" could not be less apt theme song here.  There's not a moment in this entire series that doesn't feel planned by a committee.  A committee that unanimously decided "let's make Audrina boring as hell!"  The character, Audrina, I mean.  The show Audrina does include oddballs who are allowed to be interestingish.  But Audrina is pristinely vanilla.  A vapid Snow White.   All Audrina is allowed to be on Audrina is beautiful.  And she really is.  Whatever combination of genetics and cosmetics and sheer will she's got going, it has been successful (except her little issue with upward drifting eyes that always seem to be looking above you instead of at you.  Poetic, no?)

Basically, the underlying take-home point of every scene is that Audrina is lovely and perfect.  The delicate flower that miraculously grew out of the gray sludge around her.
Examples?
- Her mother is a crazy drunk.  Audrina is a sane sober.  (That TMZ footage of Audrina's mom drunkenly ranting and raving and casting a pox on Audrina's enemies' houses?  That is her everyday voice!  It haunts me, frankly.)
- One of her sisters is pretty and normal but underage (thus not competition for prospective male viewer lust).
- Her other sister is pretty but an issues-y, excessive-tattoo-having black sheep.
- The tatted sister is always causing family drama while Audrina is the peacemaking, problem solver who is always trying to create family togetherness. 
-Audrina does Pilates "beautifully" according to their pixie Pilates instructor.  Meanwhile, crazydrunkmom, does Pilates annoyingly, loudly, and crassly.

Jealous yet?  You should be!  Oh, unless you like being smart.  Audrina's one hinted at imperfection is that she's kind of a lunkhead.  But even that is given a positive, she just has such a big heart that it makes her naively trusting/at least she has a sense of humor about it spin.

It wasn't always this way.  Actually, back in her The Hills days, Audrina was something of a rebel.  A prissy punk (as Simon Doonan once deemed an America's Next Top Model contestant who liked to wear black and hot pink skull prints).  Audrina chose to live alone in the pool house while Lauren and Lo giddily braided each other's hair.  She had strong opinions about music and liked to go to shows Lauren deemed "weird."  She dated a guy everyone hated.  She had the above-mentioned tattoo and her sister had the above-mentioned even more tattoos.  On Audrina most of that rebel-lite persona has been removed.  As Audrina puts it, she's taking her brand in a more "fashion" oriented direction.  I guess "fashion" means "devoid of humanity."
There's a poignant moment in the opening credits sequence.  Audrina flips her enormous cape of shiny hair from one side of her head to the other and it hits her sister in the face.  Her sister does a "hey!" reaction and then a forgiving smile.  Audrina stares ahead blankly and then tentatively wanders to her next mark.

Gretchen Rossi's Laugh

It's no secret that Gretchen Rossi has a big, boisterous, (exhausting) laugh.  But did you know that once in a blue moon, her laugh morphs from sorority shrill into a Three Stooges nyuk nyuk?  I know this happened once and if I ever find video evidence of it I will post it, posthaste.

Also, I'm pretty sure her necklace is a small, angry man shaking his fists above his head.  He rues the day!

[via www.ladyandtheblog.com]