Audrina Examined

[via sharetv.org]

I like to imagine I'm the only person in the entire world who has ever actually watched VH1's Audrina. Sure, other people may have had their televisions on and tuned to the correct channel while Audrina happened. But, I actually forced myself to watch, I mean really take in all that is Audrina and here's what I got out of it...

First off, the lovely Sara Bareilles tune "Uncharted" could not be less apt theme song here.  There's not a moment in this entire series that doesn't feel planned by a committee.  A committee that unanimously decided "let's make Audrina boring as hell!"  The character, Audrina, I mean.  The show Audrina does include oddballs who are allowed to be interestingish.  But Audrina is pristinely vanilla.  A vapid Snow White.   All Audrina is allowed to be on Audrina is beautiful.  And she really is.  Whatever combination of genetics and cosmetics and sheer will she's got going, it has been successful (except her little issue with upward drifting eyes that always seem to be looking above you instead of at you.  Poetic, no?)

Basically, the underlying take-home point of every scene is that Audrina is lovely and perfect.  The delicate flower that miraculously grew out of the gray sludge around her.
Examples?
- Her mother is a crazy drunk.  Audrina is a sane sober.  (That TMZ footage of Audrina's mom drunkenly ranting and raving and casting a pox on Audrina's enemies' houses?  That is her everyday voice!  It haunts me, frankly.)
- One of her sisters is pretty and normal but underage (thus not competition for prospective male viewer lust).
- Her other sister is pretty but an issues-y, excessive-tattoo-having black sheep.
- The tatted sister is always causing family drama while Audrina is the peacemaking, problem solver who is always trying to create family togetherness. 
-Audrina does Pilates "beautifully" according to their pixie Pilates instructor.  Meanwhile, crazydrunkmom, does Pilates annoyingly, loudly, and crassly.

Jealous yet?  You should be!  Oh, unless you like being smart.  Audrina's one hinted at imperfection is that she's kind of a lunkhead.  But even that is given a positive, she just has such a big heart that it makes her naively trusting/at least she has a sense of humor about it spin.

It wasn't always this way.  Actually, back in her The Hills days, Audrina was something of a rebel.  A prissy punk (as Simon Doonan once deemed an America's Next Top Model contestant who liked to wear black and hot pink skull prints).  Audrina chose to live alone in the pool house while Lauren and Lo giddily braided each other's hair.  She had strong opinions about music and liked to go to shows Lauren deemed "weird."  She dated a guy everyone hated.  She had the above-mentioned tattoo and her sister had the above-mentioned even more tattoos.  On Audrina most of that rebel-lite persona has been removed.  As Audrina puts it, she's taking her brand in a more "fashion" oriented direction.  I guess "fashion" means "devoid of humanity."
There's a poignant moment in the opening credits sequence.  Audrina flips her enormous cape of shiny hair from one side of her head to the other and it hits her sister in the face.  Her sister does a "hey!" reaction and then a forgiving smile.  Audrina stares ahead blankly and then tentatively wanders to her next mark.