Remember the Real Housewives Orange County finale that happened over a week ago? Me, too!
- Vicki's having an autumn themed party. The concept of "Autumn" seems alluring and exotic. Alexis dons a glowing orange shmata to celebrate Autumn, because in her world all the seasons are neon seasons. Do the leaves change colors in Orange County? Let's say they don't because then we can assume the leaves adorning Vicki's backyard soiree were hand painted lush reds, golds and browns by frightened playing cards with arms and legs.
-Tamra thinks she's having a bad hair day even though her hair looks exactly the same as it always does. Maybe she's having stress-induced Hair Dysmorphic Disorder. Or maybe we're all just utterly alone in our own desires for ourselves that no one else can really ever completely understand or care about. Nah, it's probably the HDD.
-Alexis and Peggy are extremely defensive about being called competitive and extremely competitive about being the least competitive. This strikes me as odd only because they actually love competition so much. It's their favorite! They're all about showiness and livin' the dream 24-7 (or whatever the kids are saying these days), right? That's their thing! If one housewife gets something another runs out to get the same thing but bedazzled and then another gets a bedazzled, cupcake scent-infused one. But, I kind of get it. It's cool to go to the ends of the earth to win but never cool to admit you were in the game becozzz, to be truly perfect, you can't have an icky flaw like an obsessive, neurotic need to be perfect. Ahem. So, Alexis and Pegs are stuck in this hideous, tail-eating loop of trying soooo hard and then trying to cover up any trace of how hard they tried. So...yikes.
-Tamra's boyfriend, Ed Helms Smile, is Fonzie levels of cool all the time. Every time Tamra approaches him, he seems to awaken from a brief standing nap and murmur, "'sup, baby? just keep it cooool, you got this...zzzzz..."
-Quinn! When I first noticed a Rubenesque lady with a snow queen white fright wig on, I thought about making a joke about it being Quinn. And then it was revealed that it is Quinn! What happened to Quinn?
-Jeana's campaign to be Most Reviled Former OC Housewife is going swimmingly!
-Gretchen's dress fits her personality perfectly. It's a demure, retro shape, in a color so loud you can almost hear it. The peplum asks, "who, me?" while the neon hue screams, "you better f#$%#$% believe it's me!"
-Everyone's makeup tells a story as well.
-Tamra's heavy eye and lip say "Screw makeup rules about choosing one feature to play up. None of my features will be denied."
-Vicki's smokey eye and nude lip say "I love social rules! I fit in!"
-Peggy's smokey eye and nude lip say "I'm the Angelia Jolie one."
-Gretchen's pink lip screams "I love being a girl" into a megaphone.
-Alexis' pastel everything says "God created all the colors for me to put on my face."
-Who's right and who's wrong in any of these arguments? These shows are so meta at this point, it's hard to view any of it as more than interpretations of staged events. But still, Alexis and Jeana are wrong.
-Vicki's daughter is startled by the melee. She was promised a "classy" party where she could continue her discussion of butt holes from before.
- Gretchen's education in psychology has proved nothing but dangerous (freshman psych rears its ugly head...). Her assessment of Vicki's health emergency as a power play in the last episode seemed off and mean and burdened by an Alanis Morissette level comprehension of the word "ironic." Now she chooses Tamra's post-drink throwing chill period as the perfect opportunity to confront her about some stuff, all group therapy style. Tamra just stares at her, as we all do, intrigued, annoyed and exhausted all at the same time.
next time on The Real Housewives of Orange County...the two smaller Tamras each split into even smaller Tamras (all of them equally hot except one which has tiny eyes and enormous hands) and Alexis speaks in tongues at Banana Republic.
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